From the dawn of Facebook, relationship status has been a topic of ridicule and angst. Cynical opinions range from “LOL TMI” to “Who gives a flying fuck?” Should things go horribly wrong, people utilizing such status to show off their loving relationship risk having difficulty breaking things off “officially” on Facebook, often letting such status’ linger long after the couple has broken up in real life.

The last time I had a girlfriend that was confirmed by Facebook, she sensibly requested that we sit down together, side by side in our college computer lab, and change our relationship status at the same time. This worked well, no late nights wondering when the proper time to change is, no using Facebook to stalk your ex more than one normally would.

However, I come here today, not to deride or encourage the use of relationship status’ on Facebook. I’ve been proudly flying the single flag for years at this point—which is probably why all of my Facebook ads are for Singe Christian (?) Girls In My Area or for whatever Ville is the latest to come from Zynga. No, I’m here simply to celebrate the rarest Facebook relationship of all: “Engaged to”.

“Single” and “In a relationship with” are old hat. As Facebook matures, even “Married to” has become quite commonplace. (I have to assume no one has ever used “It’s complicated with” seriously.) The Ghost Orchid of Facebook relationships is “Engaged to”. If all goes according to plan, there will just be one short window to use “Engaged to” in your entire life! (If all doesn’t go according to plan, there are still only 3 or 4 short windows to use it.) Embrace this rare time!

Ladies, as soon as your fiancé asks you to marry them, say yes and immediately go on Facebook to change your status. As a good husband to be, he will be ready to accept equally as fast. This is important to do BEFORE you call your parents your friends. News will travel much faster if you get it out there on Facebook. To speed up the process, make sure to change your status to “HE PUT A RING ON IT” and then take a photo of your ring on your hand and ‘check in’ with him at whatever romantic location you have just become engaged.

Imagine all the “likes” you’ll get. Imagine all of the sarcastic-but-ultimately-congratulatory comments you’ll get from the other men in your life. Imagine the jealousy you’ll inspire amongst your lady friends. Once you’ve done all of that, it is safe to call your parents.

Men, CONGRATULATIONS, you’ve just willingly limited yourself to one woman for the rest of your life. AM I RIGHT ENTOURAGE? Kidding of course. I’m sure your bride to be is absolutely lovely. I’m just jealous—of both your happiness and your maturity. Now, as the man in this scenario, it is your job to come off as detached and cool. Allow some room for excitement, but make it seem like it is under the guise of her excitement. Remember though, your goal is to still get that Facebook relationship status changed to “Engaged to” as soon as possible.

Your wife-to-be’s man “friends” that are clearly so in love with her will finally have to shut the hell up. All of your female friends will be proud of you. “Wait to go! Congrats,” they’ll say. If they like your future wife, they’ll be thinking in the back of their mind about how another one of the good ones is now spoken for. If they don’t like your wife they’ll be thinking in the back of their mind that you two (and your future ugly, untalented children) deserve each other. You’re probably expecting a lot of jokes from your man friends, but I bet you’ll be pleasantly surprised by how sincerely happy they will be. Unless your blushing bride is not cool. Then, I don’t know what to tell you. I’m sure she’s great.

Now that you’ve introduced the Facebook world to your engagement, just sit back and enjoy it. People are going to start coming out of the woodwork unable to look away from your cool relationship status. Keep your profile pictures rotating between an overwhelmingly cute picture of you two embracing, that funny picture of you two from Halloween where you dressed up like Fonzi and she dressed up like Mrs. Cunningham, only everyone thought you were supposed to be Shia LeBeouf from the most recent Indiana Jones movie, and a picture of the actual engagement IN PROCESS. We’re talking man on his knee and woman with hands over her face. You know the drill.

[This advice assumes a lady-man engagement, but if that doesn’t apply to you, don’t feel left out! I’ve got great news, all of this works just as well for a lady-lady or man-man engagement!] 

Bask in the attention, but don’t think your work is done. You two better start planning for what point is the proper time to change it to “Married to” at the wedding. It’s always better to be safe than sorry when navigating the complicated waters of Facebook relationship status’.

And can I just say congratulations? [John Vieira and 72 others like this.]